journey to joy: part III

from freedom to joy

{Read Part I: From Achieving to Flailing and Part II: From Love to Redemption}

My Path Through Motherhood

It was around this time I started going to church.  The pastor was doing a series on “Meeting Jesus”.  It was the first time I’d heard Jesus described as the way this pastor was describing him — a regular guy with a great sense of humor — oh yeah, and who also happened to be God’s son.

I learned that Jesus — because he died on the cross and rose again — covered over and bore away all those judgmental thoughts, selfishness, and other sins that I thought and did on a daily basis.  

Jesus was my bridge to God — all my sin and guilt rushed in a great river underneath him and away.

I  was amazed by this.  I cried almost every Sunday in church in sheer awe at what Jesus had done for me.  That Easter I never went anywhere without tissues because the incredibleness of it all would just overtake me at random times.

But I began to realize that even though this incredible gift was freely offered, it wasn’t always easy to take.  A lifetime of self-worth built on achievements doesn’t fall away overnight.  I began to think of becoming a Christian — and now I admitted that was what was happening — not as a one-time choice, but as a daily choice.

Every day, I’d have to decide again that even though I didn’t deserve it, even though I failed at something, God loved me and Jesus’ sacrifice made me blameless and free.

Even now, several years later, when I find myself feeling guilty about something I know I’ve done wrong, sometimes, I’ll just stop praying.  I do exactly what Adam and Eve did when they knew they did something wrong.  I try to hide.  Days or weeks later, I will realize what I’m doing and sit down and say it all again.

“I believe you love me God.  I believe you’ve forgiven my sins through the sacrifice of your son Jesus.  I accept it all and thank you, thank you, thank you.”

So where has all this life-changing stuff led me?

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