starting over

and this time I don’t have a plan

Suitcase

Do you like making New Year’s resolutions? Try moving resolutions! Moving to a new place to live and work with a whole bunch of people you’ve never met blows New Year’s out of the water. My mind reels at the possibilities for change…

Every move, I think this is my big chance! I will finally be funny, and not awkward, and will know just what to say at the right time instead of 15 minutes later! I look at the blank calendar in front of me — with no commitments lined up — and I fill it with images of me getting in shape, volunteering, writing a book, doing educational activities with my kids, hosting amazing dinner parties for my friends, and the ultimate fantasy for me — creating a household organization system that Martha Stewart would compliment me on.  Oh I have such grand plans…

…and two years later, I pull the dusty bins of size small clothes out from under the bed and remember all those grand plans. I feel them tugging at my heart again. My empty calendar stretches before me… and I’m off again, planning and fantasizing. I promise myself that this time, I’ll do it. I’ll be the me I’ve always wanted to be. I set to packing all the elements I need… weights and exercise clothes, cookbooks, school supplies, and my label maker.

It’s like I pack everything except for myself.

So here I am again…sitting among the contents of my house spread out in haphazard piles, waiting for the movers to come and pack me for yet another fresh start. I’m wondering… what if I do it differently this time? What if I just let go of all my lists and manifestos. Let go of everything that I think I’m going to be and not be, do and not do, in this next chapter?

Not stop dreaming. Not stop striving and trying to improve myself.

But let go of making myself into someone that I’m not.

Am I willing to get rid of the life I’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for me? Am I willing to shed the old skin so the new one can come?

Maybe the old skin we should be shedding at the beginning of a new venture is not our extra pounds, the quirky things that make us unique, or the wild landscapes of our homes… but our need to fit some perfect ideal. Our need to achieve and succeed at the things we’ve planned to achieve at and succeed at.

Maybe there’s something even better waiting out there for us. Something that we could never have dreamed of. Something that will knock our socks off.

I had this dream the other night. It was one of those half conscious dreams that you have right when you’re about to drift into sleep and it was just of this one image…an image of a big strong hand reaching down and prying open, one-by-one, the fingers of my tightly clenched fists to lay something in it. I didn’t see what that big hand put into my open palm, but I had the sense that it was something amazing.

So what’s my new plan for this next chapter in my life?  

First of all, I know I’m going to be bringing myself into it… extra pounds, awkward silences, and all.

Second of all, I’m going to go with open hands and heart. 

That’s it. That’s my plan. And I can’t wait to see what amazing thing I end up holding in the palm of my hand at the end of this chapter.

Are you starting something new in your life? What’s your plan? Whatever it is, I hope it includes much love and acceptance for yourself and a heart open to the wonders coming your way!

Kristin

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